The 5 “R”s of Restoring and Winter (part two)

As the snow settles and the temperatures dip, I’ve been sitting in and writing about the “R”etreating of Winter. I’ve been resisting the temptation to grab hold of a new resolution and dive into the new year. Instead, I’m leaned into what Winter is all about

And so, I got to reflect and notice just how much had come to fruition in the past year. There was a new piece of art I made to honour the old and invite the new. I circled back to providing counselling and set up a part time trauma recovery counselling practice. I developed and launched two websites*, one with this blog. I invited a couple of new budding friendships into my life. I moved through multiple family court processes and appearances to get the court orders (at least on an interim basis) that my teenage daughter wanted/needed for her psychological, emotional, and physical well-being. I lost some weight and started the process of getting into better shape.

*with the help of a wonderful web consultant who coached me —  much thanks to Bree!

I’ve been doing my best to avoid the pitfalls and appreciate the promises of Winter.  see previous post on the “R”etreating of Winter.

What arises when you reflect on your past year? What do you notice?

Releasing and Letting Go

The fourth R of winter is Releasing. Releasing involves letting go of what was, or what no longer serves. We may be letting go of relationships, jobs, identities, beliefs, things we did or did not do, what we hoped for that never materialized, or our illusions. It might be a smaller loss, or a complete dismantling of a lifetime.

Releasing can be painful and then liberating, or both simultaneously. It is the aspect of winter part of us wants to avoid. Often, we try denying, bargaining and minimizing, or otherwise negotiating to avoid the painful feelings of loss and grief, chaos and uncertainty, and the eventual need to engage in a new beginning that follows loss. To whatever degree we are able, it’s better if we can invite the release, allow the loss, embrace the emptiness, and show up in the pain, even if it’s bit by bit. Moving through the pain is like walking through a passageway. It might not feel like it, but it does not go on forever. Completing unfinished business, including forgiving ourselves and others is also part of releasing. Letting it go frees us up for the next, and often the better.

When the releasing is significant, it can also include going through the void. The void is a place of emptiness after things have fallen away, but nothing new has yet emerged. It’s uncomfortable place and we’re usually tempted to rush things so that we can pull out of it.

How are you releasing this winter? What’s needing to be let go of from yourself? From your life?

For me, releasing is easier than it used to be. There is an internal sense and comfort that develops when we have been through multiple rounds of major loss and releasing. We come to trust the process and trust ourselves to move through it. We know the unravelling is not the end of the story, so we don’t resist it. We breathe deeply, cooperate with it, and accompany ourselves through it. We appreciate that it is a necessary phase so that we can come back together and move forward with more knowing, connectedness, empowerment, and wholeness. 

This year, I released a pretty big thing. I uncovered, processed, and let go of the rest of a deeply rooted pattern that had been operating since childhood. I had been all around it and changed everything related to it, but I was always missing a piece at the core that I couldn’t quite grasp. But, this year, I discovered and dealt with it.

Without going into the details (future post perhaps), while taking some therapist training, I was invited to a fuller understanding of the concept of “betrayal blindness” and then read a book that focused on it. The core piece I had been missing was how my child brain, and any other child’s brain for that matter, (in response to continual betrayals) wires to be blind to betrayal to ensure survival. This wiring meant I was prone to be blind to betrayals as an adult (personally and professionally) and therefore did not recognize them, assess them accurately or respond to them appropriately. Instead, I would unknowingly minimize their severity, stay committed, give way too many chances, and work hard to try and improve unhealthy situations (to no avail). 

The personal work to release this at its core was like dominoes toppling as my internal compass was rotated to a truer north. It was painful for a little while, but a surge of wholeness followed and has remained. And unsurprisingly, a friendship that I should have already let go of was easily released from my life as a result, and all other relationships over the years that had involved betrayals were understood more fully. I applied forgiveness all around, especially toward myself, and moved forward with more lightness.

Now as I close off the year, and lean into the snow of winter, the releasing that I am called to is unsurprisingly less intense. There is a call to purge (typical for me several times a year) and release what I no longer physically need. But beyond that, I am noticing an urge to physically release in a bigger way and simplify what I actually need. It feels like I am gearing up for a clearing in my physical space, and restructuring myself and my life to permanently have “less”. (Except for maybe books? I love books!).

Resourcing in Winter (and all Seasons of Life)

The fifth R of winter is Resourcing. This R belongs in all of the seasons because we need to resource ourselves at all times of the year, and in all seasons of life.

Resourcing means keeping ourselves regulated and settled with sleep, nutritious food, exercise, calming practices for our nervous system, and even moments of laughter, play, and joy. It means reaffirming ourselves with respect, self-compassion, words of encouragement, relating to ourselves with self-honesty, and tapping into our authenticity and the rebellious voice of soul that is engaging us in growth, learning, and transformation. We can even resource ourselves with genuine gratitude that emerges. It also means recharging our efforts with relevant information, resources, inspiration, shoring up our supports, and borrowing capacity if needed. 

How are you resourcing this winter?

How are you reaffirming yourself?

How are you recharging with inspiration?

How are you accessing supports to make things easier or better?

For me, I am keeping myself regulated on the daily. I wrote and sent an email to the instructor of a introductory class I have been taking this fall to share some things that felt “off”, not to change anything, but to reaffirm myself. While her response validated my lived experience, it did not validate my concerns, and made it quite easy to recognize that the learning did not align with my beliefs which I knew to be informed. I was able to easily move into releasing myself from the class. (As I did so, I experienced gratitude for the freedom that happens with options adult learning as opposed to when you are taking a mandatory class at work or as part of formal education).

I am also continually resourcing myself with a few people who are more knowledgeable and capable than I am in a few parts of my life. This makes things easier for me, and I get to learn from them. I have a wonderful family lawyer on a limited scope retainer who helps me understand the law, reviews my applications and affidavits, and speaks for me in court as I engage with the family court system. Not only is it empowering for me to handle things myself legally, but the cost saving also makes it manageable rather than financially overwhelming and debt inducing. I also have someone who loves language, punctuation, and proofreading (which is too detail oriented to be my happy place) who catches the things I miss and makes my writing better.

 With Humility, Hope, and Heart,