When we think about recovering from toxic stress and trauma, we often focus on internal change—how it feels, what it means, or what it unlocks within us. But there are also broader, life-level reasons that quietly shape the urgency for healing. These are the ways toxic stress and unresolved trauma begin to affect how we live, function, and relate to the people and the world around us over time. They show up in patterns of exhaustion, disconnection, reactivity, and limitation—not as personal failure, but as signals that there is an injury in system is asking for rehabilitation. While healing is always personal, it is also deeply practical: it changes what becomes possible in many part of your everyday life.
This post is part of a series: toxic stress and trauma.
We often see the impact of toxic stress and trauma on our outer lives before our inner lives although we may not see the underlying reasons for it. The people around us have a way of giving us feedback about where we are coming up short or falling down. Outer lives are more concrete and measurable in terms of work and money. If you’re struggling with toxic stress or trauma, these three life reasons may resonate for you in some way.
If you are wanting to use these reasons to help someone else, maybe just share the post with them and let them decide if and when to read it and whether or not to consider it. Don’t try to convince and don’t push.
Toxic Stress and Trauma are rooted in Surviving and Protection.
Recovery returns us to Thriving and Connection.
Humans are wired to connect. Our resting nervous system state is social engagement, affectionately referred to as “flock”. We are tribespeople intended to walk with and lean on others to enjoy and navigate the challenges of life. Our protection is in being proactively connected to and cooperative with others.
The nervous system also has a cascade of survival defenses including fight, flight, freeze, fawn, and flop/shutdown. These are necessary and very helpful when we are facing temporary demands, challenges, and threats. Each of them is a form of self-protection. We leave the flock state and drop into ever increasing degrees of survival. It is normal to move in and out of some of these throughout the days and weeks, but we are designed and intended to return to and function primarily in “flock”.
Toxic stress and trauma(s) in particular wire or rewire us to primarily, if not exclusively, self-protect. We no longer function in “flock”. Instead, we function from one or several of the defensive states because our nervous system is dysregulated.
This has enormous implications for us and how we are with all others, whether close intimate relationships, children, friends, family, or the larger community.
It affects such things as self-awareness; reactivity; coping style and strategies; communication; perception of others; trustworthiness, integrity; problem solving, and resolving conflict.
In the case of trauma, especially attachment, developmental, and complex trauma, it affects our attachment styles and how we show up in relationship. Our ability to attach in appropriate and healthy ways is compromised and insecure. We may spend our time dysregulated and clinging to vulnerability, connection, conflict, and commitment in unhealthy ways, trying to gain the attachment we never had. We may spend our time dysregulated and avoiding these things, or we may spend our time going back and forth between clinging and avoiding.
Leaning into restoration and recovery supports us to ever so slowly rewire our nervous system back to “flock”.
We learn to recognize the state our nervous system is in at any give time.
We learn and develop different practices for regulating our nervous system state back to “flock”. We find the ones that work for us.
We design our lives to have enough self-care that we can largely maintain nervous system regulation.
In the case of trauma, we release the trapped traumatic energy in our bodies, brain, and nervous system.
We learn new ways of functioning from “flock” that might feel foreign at first. We repair our ability to attach in appropriate and healthy ways. We develop vulnerability and make safe space for the vulnerability of others. We learn to show up. We learn to validate and empower others. We share our feelings and practice emotional intelligence with others. We invite others to know our successes and struggles and encourage others with theirs. We ask for and offer help. We own our mistakes and grow, from them and in them. We create connections and community.
Toxic Stress and Trauma(s) Compromise our Parenting and Partnering.
Recovery restores our Ability to Engage Appropriately as Parents and Partners.
Parenting and partnering are the two biggest roles we take on in relationship to others. Because of proximity, our functioning has a significant effect of those who are in our immediate families, particularly when they have a dependence on us.
Our children depend on us to be safe, stable, dependable, trustworthy, attuned, secure, supportive, flexible, relational, cooperative. We are their security, so they always have a place to be seen, heard, and held. We are their base, so they can emerge, stretch themselves, and become who they are capable of becoming. We are their supporters so they can be celebrated and learn to get back up when they fall. We are their models so they can see reflection, responsibility, and integrity in action. We are their perspective so they can learn to see things from differing views and viewpoints and find their truths.
Our partners rely on us as well, although not in the same ways or nearly to the same degree. They are adults and capable after all. We still need to be their secure place for vulnerability, safety, space, and support. And we need to hold our own and our share of the relationship and life load.
When we are functioning from toxic stress and trauma(s) our parenting and partnering become compromised in countless ways. For example,
- Our ability to maintain safety in ourselves and therefore provide it to others is limited.
- Our internal world of distress starts to drive our thinking, feelings, and behavior.
- Our capacity is diminished, so we show up less and have less to give and share.
- Our compass of SELF that is calm, creative, courageous, and connected is inconsistent, so our loved ones are left contending with our reactions.
- Our energy and zest for life is thwarted, so days are darker.
- Our perceptions are distorted so we no longer see them or things clearly.
- Our ability to properly lead and look to the future becomes compromised, leaving our families with less of a rudder.
- Our sharing of the load falls off. We either take on too much, become resentful and do it poorly, or we disregard our responsibilities and leave it to fall on others.
- Our ability to be stable and trustworthy is inconsistent, leaving our loved ones to rely on themselves.
- Our ability to empathize and relate to what others are going through is reduced, so we become less and less able to relate to what our loved ones are going through.
- Our ability to respond is frequently highjacked by triggers and a dysregulated nervous system, so we are reactive, volatile, depressed, distant, or dissociated.
- Our ability to handle our problems, let alone support others with their problems, is limited by the ways we are caught in vicious cycles.
- Our interest and capacity for connection, intimacy, and demonstrating love and appreciation is limited because we are more interested in drawing near to ourselves than others, even others we love.
- Our ability to ensure the necessities of life may even be compromised because we are struggling to work or are spending money on addictions, leaving our loved ones in significant instability.
The ways we are compromised from toxic stress and trauma(s) compromise our children and partners, every day, every week, every month, every year that we don’t do the work to restore and recover ourselves. We harm them by doing what we shouldn’t, and by not doing what we should.
Recovery slowly returns us to capable parents and partners.
Toxic Stress and Trauma(s) Result in Collateral Consequences in Many Areas of our Lives.
Recovery Halts Negative Consequences and Reshapes the Impact in our Lives.
It can be difficult to know where the effects of toxic stress and trauma(s) begin and end. Before we have gained full awareness, we can easily tell ourselves that it’s not that bad. But when we’re in the midst of it, it can feel like there is no part of us or our lives that seems untouched. And sadly, there can be some truth to that.
The reality is that it is not just the symptoms of toxic stress and trauma(s) or how they affect our functioning that we need to contend with. These things ultimately result in collateral consequences in many directions that can affect the various areas of our lives. We may not always see the connection.
They can impact the vision we have for our lives. They can impact our sense and relationship to power and how we go about using it. They can impact whether we take up space, stay small, or try to feel bigger by making others feel small. They can impact the relationship choices we make, what we have to give to others, and how much we accept or take from them. They can impact the paths we take and don’t take. They can impact if and how we establish roots for ourselves. They can impact where and how we live. They can impact the type of work we do and how we go about doing it. They can impact whether we have dreams and whether or not we chase them. They can impact how we relate to money and physical belongings. They can impact how we engage with others and community around us. They can impact the social responsibility we take on and how we contribute in the world.
It basically impacts the trajectory of our lives and continues to do so until we recover.
When we are in the midst of surviving with toxic stress and trauma(s), we aren’t usually able to see the collateral consequences that have been and are occurring in our lives. We may see some but not the extent of it.
Recovery stops the continuation of collateral consequences. In cases of complex trauma with profound harm, it’s like stopping the hemorrhaging.
It can be hard to face the collateral consequences that have occurred. There is anger, grief, and loss that we need to move through.
Recognizing the ways that toxic stress and trauma(s) are impacting our lives can be helpful, if a little hard to face. In fact, the ways our important relationships are being affected can be one of the most motivating things to get us into recovery. Sometimes this happens because we see it for ourselves. And sometimes it happens because someone who loves us sets some new boundaries on what they need and what they will and won’t accept from us. While humbling, this “come to truth” moment can be a real opportunity that invites us to lean into our restoration and recovery.
Leaning into our winter and focusing on restoration and recovery naturally cascades into changes in the various areas of lives. After that, we get to shift and shape each area until it feels right for who we’ve become and are becoming.
With Humility, Hope, and Heart,
| Related Posts: Blog Category: Stress and Trauma |
SOURCES:
Fatter, D. (2022). Trauma Treatment Certification Training Course materials.
Fisher, J. (2021). Transforming the living legacy of trauma- A Workbook for survivors and therapists.
Gentry, J.E. & Dietz, J.J. (2020). Professional Resilience: Prevention and Resolution of Burnout, Toxic Stress and Compassion Fatigue. Outskirt Press.
Heller L., & LaPierre A. (2012) Healing developmental trauma- How early trauma affects self-regulation, self-image and the capacity for relationship. Berkeley: North Atlantic Books.
Hermann, J. (1992) Trauma and recovery- The Aftermath of violence. New York: Basic Books.
Maté, G. & Maté, D. (2022). The Myth of Normal. Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture. Toronto: Knopf Canada.
Maté, G. (2003). The Hidden Cost of Stress. Toronto: Knopf Canada.
Motherwell McFarlane, J., Liangzi Shi, A. Ramoo, D. & Yousef, T. (2024). Stress and Health. (pgs. 935-954). Introduction to Psychology: Moving Towards Diversity and Inclusion. Canadian Edition. Victoria, B.C.: BC campus. Retrieved from https://opentextbc.ca/introductiontopsychology/
Motherwell McFarlane, J., Liangzi Shi, A. Ramoo, D. & Yousef, T. (2024). Stress and Illness. (pgs. 955-962). Introduction to Psychology: Moving Towards Diversity and Inclusion. Canadian Edition. Victoria, B.C.: BC campus. Retrieved from https://opentextbc.ca/introductiontopsychology/
Porges, S. (2019). Clinical Applications of the Polyvagal Theory: trauma, attachment, self-regulation and emotions.
Stangor, C. and Walinga, J. (2014). Health, Stress, and Coping. (pgs. 734-745) Introduction to Psychology – 1st Canadian Edition. Victoria, B.C.: BC campus. Retrieved from https://opentextbc.ca/introductiontopsychology/
Stangor, C. and Walinga, J. (2014). Stress and Coping. (pgs. 746-773), Introduction to Psychology – 1st Canadian Edition. Victoria, B.C.: BC campus. Retrieved from https://opentextbc.ca/introductiontopsychology/
Stangor, C. and Walinga, J. (2014). Stress: The Unseen Killer. (pgs. 480-502) Introduction to Psychology – 1st Canadian Edition. Victoria, B.C.: BC campus. Retrieved from https://opentextbc.ca/introductiontopsychology/